Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
