so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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