I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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