The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
