At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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