sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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