Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
