I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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