God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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