About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
