When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
