moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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