He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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