I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
