what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
