your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
