oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
