There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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