I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
