My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
