Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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