Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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