"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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