Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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