He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
