do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
