I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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