it hurts more in the daytime
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
