Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
