dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
