i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
