I wish my penis had an off switch
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
