I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
