She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
