did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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