do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
