I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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