I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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