Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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