call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
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I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
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WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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