Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
