so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
