Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
