I wannas sexs uuuuu
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Of course I have a pirate flag
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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