did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
