goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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