How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
