I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
