i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
