I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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