Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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