I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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