Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
