I just saw a hot homeless man
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
